Gloomy day

It's all rainy and dark outside. Thundery. Puts me in a mood.

Today is one of those days where I feel like I'm wasting my time. When I regret that I didn't go back to school earlier so I could have a better, more fulfilling and more lucrative job today. A career, even! When I start thinking about the opportunities I have missed out on. When I think about how many things I could have been doing in the last five years to get myself on a better track. (and yes, mom and dad, I hear ya. I know I know I know.)

Sometimes I wish I could just be a slightly different person. Could love doing some things that I don't love doing. Could have some drive. Some passion. I wish I didn't have these nagging doubts about what I want to do. I don't even really know what I don't want to do...and that's not helpful at all. And unfortunately everything I want to do involves using my hands...these hands that I have ruined over the last couple years. I really wish I could fix them. They are my biggest stumbling block...they make excuses easy.

My PT said that my hand problems would probably have occurred no matter what I had done the last five years due to my hypermobility and my high neural tension. I'm not so sure. You'd think that practicing clarinet for hours and hours a day and spending hours writing papers on an ergonomically poor laptop would have caused an injury. But it didn't. It's so mysterious. I am beginning to blame my back injury, in part at least...I think they're connected even though my doctors don't.

Anyhow. You know, some people have trouble living in the moment. I think I have the opposite trouble. I feel like I live entirely in the moment these days. I don't think forward anymore. It's like I'm stuck. My uncle would probably say I'm too comfortable. And I think he'd be right. But how do you motivate yourself to become uncomfortable when you don't think forward? When you don't want to do things because you're afraid that you'll be disappointed? Afraid of making a bad decision...or any decision at all?

How does one get out of bed when it's dark, rainy and thundery outside?

Do you, as the advertising campaign says, just do it?

Maybe I need to switch to Nike. New Balance's "achieve" doesn't seem to be doing much for me.