Very Bad Day

Neil is spending the night on the floor of the office with a very very very sick Penny. We both think this will probably be her last night. She has not eaten since yesterday, and even then she threw it up. She has probably not had much water since yesterday. Neil took her to the vet today to ask about the nausea and the breathing. They took x-rays and found that her lungs are surrounded by fluid. When they tried to remove the fluid, a common procedure, they were unable to remove much and there was blood in it...a sign that the cancer (either mammary or the fibrosarcoma) may have metastasized. The vet gave her fluids in hopes of keeping the dehydration away.

We have spent the whole day coming to grips with the idea that we will have to say goodbye to her tomorrow. Deep down in my heart of hearts, I know that it's the right decision. Unless she makes a miraculous recovery overnight and is able to eat and drink with relative gusto tomorrow, I think her body has finally lost the fight. She can barely move around and seems to have lost the will to live. Her tongue is pale and she feels a little cold. Her tumor is even pale. Arthur has been all weird today and yesterday -- he knows. He won't even look at her -- he buried his head in my armpit when I brought him in to the room to see her. Luckily, she seemed more calm after I was able to get a dose of pain medicine into her, but it's unbelievable how much she seems to be suffering.

Anyhow, we'll see what tomorrow brings. Neil is with her tonight and I hope that's a comfort to both of them. All the things I've read about making the end of life decision say it comes down to suffering. If she is suffering and things seem stacked against her with no way to improve her situation in sight, it is time. Or when she has more good days than bad days, it is time. She has been having more and more bad days and she is definitely suffering right now, even if it came on very quickly. Knowing she is suffering somehow doesn't make it any easier. But I know we can't watch this deterioration any longer. She has been a miracle kitty, surviving this thing for so long. We are so lucky to have known her.

Here's hoping this post is premature, but I don't have much hope.